if i never had a problem

So the honest admission is that for two days I've been in a rut. Not a rut of nothingness and non-creativity... But a rut of stress and fear. I've realized that my go-to method of coping with things I need to do that scare me in one way or another is to distract myself and not do said thing. Example: I need to email a teacher about an upcoming project. Response: I do not think logically about the fact that sending such an email will take 2 minutes, instead I leave that task in the foggy part of my brain where it sounds complicated and the complication doesn't sound fun, so I start thinking about other, happier things. Result: I feel totally great and stress-free until 4 days later when I remember the email I need to send and this time feel even more stressed because I've been procrasinating. I then instantly conclude that I am a terrible person. 

Multiply that process by x10 little to-do items that pile up. You have my life. I think I really need to train my brain not to overthink things. It's like the rose-coloured glasses I like to think I wear (that make life seem beautiful and magical) warp my view of all important tasks and details to become hideous, insurmountable monsters. 

Oh, emotions. Why do you do this to me?

Thankfully, the stress that I let build up eventually DOES push me to do something, like this evening. I have been detailing and problem-solving for almost 3 hours, and I already feel so much better about my upcoming classes and God's provision in financial areas. 

Not every detail has been solved completely. But everything looks a lot more doable and realistic. 

The sky above me is a hazy, greyish blue, while the sky is splattered with cotton-candy clouds to my left. It is twilight and I think it is a LOVEY time of day! I think we are in a little episode of fall-ish feeling weather here, and I couldn't love it more. 

Yeah, I'm feeling better cause of circumstances. But I know there are a lot of hard moments ahead of me. The thing I remember in those moments when I wonder why God chose me for this. Those moments when I think I couldn't possibly be smart enough or spiritual enough... I remember WHY I'm doing this. For the people groups that don't have God's word and don't have any hope to have God's word unless I do my very best to bring it to them. It's not about me, my comfort, what I want. And also, when I'm feeling very heavy in my heart how insufficient I am... I must remember that is exactly the reason why God can use me. I'm an empty vessel for His sufficiency to fill. 

I've been collating thousands of elementary school tests and quizzes in my friend Kaylee's classroom this last week. I can't stop thinking about the quote she has on her classroom wall: 

"For if I never had a problem, then I wouldn't know that He can solve them."

Lastly, I wish so badly I could bottle up this evening air and share it with you. It's so wholesome.

Since I can't I will say goodnight and enjoy it myself.