Posts

if i never had a problem

So the honest admission is that for two days I've been in a rut. Not a rut of nothingness and non-creativity... But a rut of stress and fear. I've realized that my go-to method of coping with things I need to do that scare me in one way or another is to distract myself and not do said thing. Example: I need to email a teacher about an upcoming project. Response: I do not think logically about the fact that sending such an email will take 2 minutes, instead I leave that task in the foggy part of my brain where it sounds complicated and the complication doesn't sound fun, so I start thinking about other, happier things. Result: I feel totally great and stress-free until 4 days later when I remember the email I need to send and this time feel even more stressed because I've been procrasinating. I then instantly conclude that I am a terrible person.  Multiply that process by x10 little to-do items that pile up. You have my life. I think I really need to train my brain not t...
Post a Comment
Read more

mercies in the mess

Lamentations 3:21-23 "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Sunday school in the young adults' room started great this morning; sweet-syrupy waffles and all the toppings. We had a fun time of fellowship looking over the pictures taken at Friday night's laser tag activity. It was just another Sunday morning... Until we got the news that one of the young adults had been in a bad car accident on her way to church. This girl's sister and boyfriend slipped out of the room quietly and the rest of us had a moment of corporate prayer for her. The news did not sound great. Only a few moments ago I saw a picture of the totaled car and heard that there are no life-threatening injuries. In this case, it is a miracle considering the condition of the car. The verses above immediately came to my mind. I thought of Go...
Post a Comment
Read more

one source, one audience, God.

Psalm 119:1-2 "Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the Lord. Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart." 9:27 PM on a tuesday night. Half a watermelon has been sitting on the counter (and is still sitting on the counter) where I left it since I got off work at 4 this afternoon. Unfortunately, I ate so much pizza this evening I cannot fit in any watermelon. I'm not sure what to do with it. But that is beside the point. I'm not sure how to say exactly what is on my heart tonight, but here goes. My roommate and fellow classmate (in fact, the ONLY classmate I will have in this inaugural-year Master's program) was sharing with me what God has done for her regarding plans for the future. He has given her clear guidance about what people she will be working with after graduation and just really been blessing her lately. I've loved hearing each week about how God is just doing above and beyond i...
Post a Comment
Read more

another important why

So, the art of reflection. Yesterday morning, I spent my first two hours of the day lost in my mind. Aka, just sitting and thinking. It was hard to resist the impulse of charging my dead phone battery first thing, but once I left my phone where it was and had started letting my mind drift, it wasn't hard to stay entertained. My mind is one that runs quickly from this subject to that; making connections between thoughts until I have no idea where I started. Anyways, it was nice. I have to assume my writing and conversation styles are similar, so don't be suprised if my words lack structure. But, you know, I've also been thinking... I really don't know what my writing style is anymore. Not really. I have not written freely for a long time. So I am struggling to know what I should even describe (of the many components and occurances of my life). I am struggling to know how I should narrate. Should I let my mind flow freely onto my keyboard or should I pause and search fo...
Post a Comment
Read more

the reasons why

The tests and quizzes still to be collated sit on their desks, back in the school, across the parking lot from here. I sit currently at my kitchen table next to the messy plate from which I have just eaten a no-bake cookie. We knew it was an hour before our usual clock-out time, but I can vouch for our aching feet and backs and the willingness we each had to take the opportunity presented: I'm glad we clocked out early. I'm glad my weekend has started. I've been sitting here thinking. Thinking about things in my life I wish were different. Things that came on so gradual, I never noticed how I was being affected. Like how I almost never write these days. Like how some people I used to hold so close are now so far from me. Like how my prayer life is not as strong as I wish.  All things I'd love to change. So I've been sitting here trying to understand why I have these problems, specifically. I think I may have stopped writing because I had made my writing ...
Post a Comment
Read more