the reasons why

The tests and quizzes still to be collated sit on their desks, back in the school, across the parking lot from here. I sit currently at my kitchen table next to the messy plate from which I have just eaten a no-bake cookie. We knew it was an hour before our usual clock-out time, but I can vouch for our aching feet and backs and the willingness we each had to take the opportunity presented: I'm glad we clocked out early. I'm glad my weekend has started.

I've been sitting here thinking. Thinking about things in my life I wish were different. Things that came on so gradual, I never noticed how I was being affected. Like how I almost never write these days. Like how some people I used to hold so close are now so far from me. Like how my prayer life is not as strong as I wish. 

All things I'd love to change. So I've been sitting here trying to understand why I have these problems, specifically.

I think I may have stopped writing because I had made my writing a lot more public, and thus a lot more filtered, and thus a lot more work. 

Also, I think I have always written from a place of deep thought, and I have neglected thinking deeply often in recent years. 

I think I may have lost friends because... those friends changed. And I was no longer a person who fit into the new life they were creating. 

Actually, I think the problem currently is not so much that I have lost people, but that I let it bother me still so much. 

I think I may not have the prayer life I want because I have not made it a discipline as strong as it needs to be. 

I think prayer and writing go together somewhat, because they both will flow out of my heart easier when I take the time to recognize my own emotions and thoughts. But instead, I've become so good at ignoring such things and flooding my life with podcasts, videos, and other voices that drown out my own voice.

If I would take the time to evaluate what is going on in my mind, bringing it before God, and dealing with it... I would have more confidence. I would not worry so much about the people who have left or who might leave me next. Because I would know who I am and I would know what God thinks of me. What else is important, truly?

Anyways, as far as prayer goes, I am going to be trying to pray more throughout my day. In the spirit of "pray without ceasing," I Thessalonians 5:17. To keep a conversation with God flowing throughout my day.